What would have happened if Cameron had said ‘calm down, dear’ to me...

I've thought long and hard about it, and this is what I've come up with....

Things I hate/don’t understand about computers…

Have you ever felt like doing this?*

Okay, the technological revolution has made many things easier. The world has become a smaller place thanks to the World Wide Web.

There’s no need to pick up the phone to talk to people. No email, chat, tweet or IM instead.

And, if we really want to know about corrupt regimes throughout the world, we can hear from the people who suffer under them.

Yet, there are things about computers that have you wanting to chuck them out the window. Like computer messages for instance.

Hate the things. Especially when they make no sense or muck up my computer like these -

‘You have a storage device connected.’

Where? Is some clandestine organisation wirelessly spying on my computer? I have NO storage devices connected. Get lost you creepy message you.

‘You have Windows Updates.’

Supposedly they’re meant to make your computer run smoothly (especially those ‘crucial’ updates, which are needed because Microsoft thought wouldn’t it be a jolly good idea if people could access their computers from other computers using ‘remote access’ which funnily enough also allows other people to access their computers too), but whenever I download any, a few things tend to happen –

My computer slows down

My computer crashes

My computer slows down

My computer crashes

‘The following drive is in use.’

I usually get this when I try and remove a flash drive, going through the rigmarole of disconnecting it the way you are meant to, by stopping the drive and then taking it out. It’s not in use, yet it says it is. What a pain.

‘Windows is shutting down.’

Only it’s taking ages. In that time you have had a bath, done the washing up and sorted out that problem with the Ozone layer, and still that message is there for no apparent reason. Mad? It makes me want to give the computer a kicking.

*Note - This post is in no way an endorsement that you smash your computer in with a hammer. Do it and you are on your own,

I'm not planning a real murder, honest.

Research for a novel can be varied. So far this month, I have looked into the following:

·         how easy it would be for a woman to jump out of cake (these cakes are called pop out cakes)

·         where a woman would keep a gun as she jumped out the cake

·         whether a garlic press can be used on a certain part of the male anatomy

·         how to dispose of a body in a way it can never be found

It’s no wonder that I permanently carry my Society of Authors card around with me.

Well, if you caught someone doing that kind of research would you not think they were up to no good?

Only writing, honest officer.