What an agent does

At the moment, I am obsessed with looking at agents - mianly because I want to get one.

I came across this excellent piece in Mslexia - http://www.mslexia.co.uk/getpublished/getpublished_agents.php

Not only does it tell you whether you need an agent (not enough money in poetry and short stories apparently), but it tells you what an agent does. And, no, they do much more than take a cut of your earnings.

And, there's interviews with six very different agents who offer advice on how best to approch them.

The blurb for Vile City

I'm working on the final edit now and trying to figure out where to send it. But, here's the blurb (here's hoping you'll see something similar on the back of a book soon) -

The women of Glasgow have real reason to be afraid.  A man dubbed ‘the Glasgow Grabber’ is on the loose and they are his prey. 

DI Waddell is the detective called in to save the day.  But, he has problems of his own. 

The paperwork on his desk is piling up faster than the knickers at a porn shoot, he’s a borderline diabetic addicted to Irn Bru, and to top it all, he’s been lumbered with a Hen Broon look-alike with glasses because his finest detective and friend Stevie is languishing in a psychiatric hospital.  And don’t even get him started on his pompous, ex-Army boss and the pain in the bahookie hack who comes round every time she smells the scent of human suffering. 

The last thing Waddell needs is the country’s biggest case to land on his lap. 

Driven by the belief that third victim, the plucky Shelley Craig is still alive Waddell is in a desperate race against time to uncover the truth behind the abductions and to save her.  To do that, he and his team must delve into the seedy underbelly of Scotland’s swingers’ scene and a sick world where women are tricked into the sex trade and traded like cattle.    

Along the way Waddell will discover one thing is true: the female of the species is more deadly than the male.    

Vile City is a tale of criminal skulduggery, set in a city Waddell once loved, but is fast growing to despise because of all the darkness he sees. 

It finally arrived...the Pitlochry Quaich

Yesterday it arrived, an oddly shaped package and I thought 'what on earth is this?' Then I opened it and out popped the Pitlochry Quaich. Until I held it in my hands I didn't believe I had actually won the Scottish Association of Writers award for a crime novel.

Thanks go to the wonderful Barbara Hammond at Writers' Umbrella for ensuring the trophy got to me as I was unable to attend because of personal reasons.

Why you don't need/want and agent

To balance out the last post on why you need an agent, I thought I would include a link to a piece top-selling author Stephen Leather wrote on his website about agents. Well, I think calling them 'scum-sucking parasites' is hardly a recommendation.

To visit his list of books, click on this book

To read more, just go to his website page at http://www.stephenleather.com/howto.html and go down to the blue box that says 'If you want an agent click here' and a word doc called 'Agents' will appear. It lists dozens of them.

Happy hunting.

Why you need an agent

I found this great piece on why you need an agent that I think is a must for any writer - http://editorialass.blogspot.com/2008/09/why-you-should-never-submit-unagented.html

As someone who hopes to get one soon, I found this piece made me even more motivated to become a represented writer. Not least of all because I am terrible at this contract stuff.

I have probably have signed one giving my soul to the devil and not noticed!

Here's another good piece I found on the pet peeves of literary agents - http://www.redroom.com/blog/ninaamir/agent-reveals-pet-peeves-so-writers-can-avoid-them

Can't believe I won the Pitlochry Quaich for a crime novel

Today I got a phone call. At first I thought it was one of those nuisance callers we've been getting recently who want to sell you a conservatory (we live in a flat), a new kitchen (our flat is rented), a trip to the Moon (too busy). So, I picked up the phone with a great deal of trepidation and guess what, it was good news.


I have won the Pitlochry Quaich for the opening and synopsis of my crime novel Vile City.


I can't believe it and am currently in a state of shock.


I'd like to thank Writers' Umbrella, the online writing group I belong to. It was through them that I was eligible for this competition.

Simon Kernick king of the thriller

I've just finished Simon Kernick's latest book The Payback. It's the third book about Dennis Milne; one of my all time favourite fictional characters.

I've been a long time fan of the man and was interested to see the five of his all time favourite thrillers.

Have a peak and ask yourself if they would on your list and if not what would you have instead -
http://tinyurl.com/6c4oddc
Thanks go to castlepilot for tweeting me the link.

Extreme acting Christian Bale style

Extreme acting to me is when an actor takes extreme measures in order to play a role. I thought it would be an interesting topic, so I wrote a piece on it for Shadowlocked.  

Wondered who I’ve managed to miss out? You see, the trouble with lists as that you ALWAYS manage to leave someone out.

Craving human flesh! Yikes!

Just doing some research for my book, Living Cruelty Free, which I’ve just agreed to write for Greatest Guides. This is a subject I am really passionate about, as I've been a vegetarian for 25 years. The book is scheduled for release in December 30th, 2011.

I came across a page that had ‘craving human flesh. Please help!’ written at the bottom of it.

Did I miss the zombie invasion, or what?

Should all story loose ends be tied up in your novel?

That’s the quandary I have right now. I am at the stage with my first full length novel, Vile City, where I am doing the final edit before trying to get it published.

My story concerns three women who have been abducted in Glasgow. Whilst the whereabouts of one is well known as it’s her story that makes up about a third of the book, the fate of the other two isn’t.

What have I decided? At the moment I am starting to think that in real life things are not always tied up nicely in a wee bow. Sometimes there is no clear resolution or closure.

But should a novel give readers the closure they might not get in real life? If they don’t, will they be left feeling cheated?

What do I do? My mind keeps going back and forth like a tennis ball hit by an angry Andy Murray.

When I did a quick search on the Internet about this, these are the ones I looked at -

http://preview.tinyurl.com/64avo6j

http://tinyurl.com/6go8y67

http://tinyurl.com/alt6p9

 

Working on the dreaded synopsis...

and I am slowly going insane. I would rather walk over broken glass than write a synopsis. But they are essential to sell a book to a publisher or agent. They tell them what the book is about and let them know what to expect. 

I posted on the Writers' News Talkback site and other writers have been very helpful with their advice.

Maybe I will master the nightmare that is the synopsis before I tear my hair out.

In the meatime, I have found author Lisa Gardiner's site to be a great help. Visit her Conquering the Dreaded Synopsis series of articles here - http://lisagardner.com/writers-toolbox.

Wish I was this bright eyed and bushy tailed...

But, after a night working away into the wee small hours, I am currently lying in a crumpled heap.

Crime Scenes

It's important to get things right when you're writing a novel. That's why crime scene pics can be a good idea.

As Vile City opens, Shelley Craig has just got off the bus with her boyfriend Stuart. He goes down an alleyway to relieve himself and when he hasn't returned minutes later she goes looking for him. That's when she is abducted.

Thanks go to my crime scene snapper.

Here's the video.

Is it a UFO?

Today the weather has been pretty wild on our island of the Isle of Cumbrae. Howling gales and sweeping rain.

And we spotted a UFO...

Well, kind of.

Look what I found

Combing through my novel, I realise I need to end this ‘look’ and ‘looked’ obsession. It’s getting out of hand.

I also must ditch the fixation with eyes being the window to the soul when there are so many ways of telling how a character feels or reacts.   

Body language for starters - how are their shoulders, stooped, thrown back like it's the 80's and they are wearing shoulder pads, are they moving them around because they're stiff?

Brain Dead Entertainment

My first film review has been posted on fantastic site shadowlocked.com. If you are considering watching this movie, please, please read my review as you need to be warned.

If you like big breasted women who like to take their tops off at every opportunity, appalling acting and a seriously bad script, watch Brain Dead. Go on. I dare you.



One of my favourite scenes in the movie, because it killed off yet another bad actor



Ramblings of a Frustrated Crime Writer: About Me

Ramblings of a Frustrated Crime Writer: About Me: "I began contributing to magazines when I was 15-years-old and had my first piece in Jackie magazine - a piece on superstitions. From then ..."

Things not to say in an exercise video/DVD

How energising is exercise?

Trying to get fit and lose a bit of weight, so have taken to using exercise tapes.  Here are some of the phrases I have grown to despise.

1- 'Feel the burn' - usually when I am holding my abs in and trying not to topple over.

2- 'This is one of my favourites' - unless the instructor is talking about a scrumptious cream cake, I don't want to know this exercise that is killing me is one the chiselled she man or he man loves.

3- 'This will tighten you buns' - buns is an American word.  I hear it and I think of the iced bun I can't have.

4- 'You did well today' - How do you know I actually did anything?  I could have passed out from the exertion.

5- 'Looking good girl' - Naw.  I actually look like a beached whale that's just given birth.

Let’s get physical (I'd rather not)

Don’t know about you, but because I spend so much time sitting down writing away, my waistline has started to suffer.  So, I have begun a new fitness regime and it is killing me. 

Wouldn’t it be fantastic if there was a pill you could take that would absorb most of the calories from your food?  Well, when I say food I actually mean chocolate. 

Until that happens, I'm stuck with exercising.  I use the Ten Minute Solution DVDs, because ten minutes at a time is about all I can take before I'm dog tired.

Do you use certain words too much?

I read about author Jane Lovering putting her writing through the wordle.net site in this month’s Writing Magazine. 

Wordle creates a word cloud of your writing with the words you use the most highlighted and is a brilliant site. 

When I used it, the words it highlighted were – like, one, even, know, feel, away and smile.  Guess it’s time to comb that manuscript. 

Doctor Who cash

I’m a huge fan of Doctor Who (at least I was when David Tennant was the Doctor) and came across copies of the money they made especially for The Runaway Bride episode.

The David Tennant notes are so good I wanted to share them with you. 

Write a winning title

Stressing over what to call that novel?  Worried that your title lacks the oomph needed to make it stand out?

Using the Lulu Titlescorer may not be the answer. 

My titles – Vile City (my work in progress) and How Kirsty Gets Her Kicks (scheduled for publication by Pulp Press in March 2012) were disappointingly low.  So, I tried some of the bestselling books of all time and they didn’t fair much better.

But, hey it’s a bit of fun.  Check it out here -

http://www.lulu.com/titlescorer/index.php

Would it really have happened to Lisa Dingle?

I’ve just finished watching Emmerdale and can’t believe how ridiculous the storyline is about Lisa Dingle being raped by creepy Derek in the factory where they were working after hours.

The reason I’m shaking my head is because a woman with Lisa Dingle’s strength of character, who is no stranger to dealing with recalcitrant males (husband Zak is probably more scared of her than he is of any man, and for good reason) would have battered his melt in*.

* smashed his face in/battered him/ handed him his teeth on a plate.  

How many of us would have cheered if Derek had been sent packing with a bloody nose/a part of his anatomy missing? 

This storyline is yet another example of the way women are treated in fiction. They are either cunning whores who marry men for their money, or hapless victims of depraved crimes.

I know that women are raped and it’s a sickening crime, which should carry the death penalty in my opinion or lead to castration, but there are just as many women who fight off their would be attackers. I know this because I’ve done it myself and a straw poll of friends showed we have all had experiences of fending off unwanted advances – usually with a boot in the balls. 

I’m delighted that my first novel, which will be published this year by Pulp Press, will feature a thoroughly modern woman who is flesh and blood and more in keeping with today’s women – one who doesn’t take any nonsense from anyone.

Hopeless Hewlett Packard

I bought an laptop from the UK Hewlett Packard online shop on Boxing Day.  Received the laptop very quickly and was happy with it.  Then I tried to register the warranty.  I got the statutory one year and they gave me two years free. 

A week later after countless communications with HP my warranty is still not registered.  According to the notebook there is only seven months on the warranty when its brand new and it should be one year as standard.

Tried to register a different way only to be told my 'care pack' (their bum fluff name for warranty - more like no care pack) was registered to someone called Graham.  No idea who that is.  But hey, according to them he purchased the laptop.  Bit worrying.  Do I have a stalker?

If you're reading this Graham, I would be worried that Hewlett Packard are giving out your email address to a stranger.  You could be a girl and I could be sending you pictures of my knob. 

Tried to use their site to register, but would ya know the registration part for warranty is down.  Of course the one to get you to part with cash is still functioning.  Funny that. 

What is it with companies who take your money and then give you two fingers when you try to get the service you paid for? 

Don't worry HP, I won't abandon you.  I'll keep at you until you give me what I paid for. 

Bringing my characters alive

Spot the zombie

Sometimes it can be difficult to keep track of charcaters when you're writing. Where are they in a certain scene? Have you accidentally brought back someone who's meant to be dead? 

As well as writing charcater guides so I know what is happening to each character at any given time, I have a novel way of keeping track. 

I got myself some Horrified B Movie Victims and I place them in appropiate poses. Every figure represents a character in my zombie novel.

Things I have learned about peer reviewing sites…

You need to know who to listen and who to ignore. Some people on these sites are just stirrers. Then there’s the pedantics who obsess about the layout of your work to the point of rudeness (many sites don’t allow you to properly format your work because it would take up too much space – Youwriteon for instance) and who don’t actually comment on what you’ve written.

You will read things you don’t want to hear, but if they help your work you need to listen. Don’t get all precious. Leave your ego at the door.

Avoid tit for tat reviews. Getting personal is a waste of your time and energy. I try to avoid reviewing the work of someone who has reviewed mine, especially when they have been particularly hard hitting in their review, because if I say anything that might be construed as negative about theirs they will assume it’s a tit for tat even when it’s not.

Be helpful and constructive when you review people’s work. Even if you think it’s not up to scratch, try and balance your comments with the good and the bad.  

Be polite and encouraging. Treat people the way you would want to be treated.

If you expect to be told how wonderful your writing is, steer clear of these sites.