How to survive family lockdown (without killing one another)

Even your dog needs headphones

It's predicted that the divorce rate is set to soar under the pressure of couples being forced to live on top of one another during the lockdown. Close family relationships are also going to be seriously strained.

Here's some tips on how to survive that family lockdown without killing each other because the family that stays together drive each other insane.

Now might not be the time to watch Ravenous

1. Be careful with the movies/tv shows you watch - Try and avoid watching anything related to the apocalypse and cannibalism  and society breaking down. You don't want everyone waking up with nightmares because it'll disturb your sleep and that's the only me time you're currently getting.

2. Get rid of everything that annoys you - I'm talking about the harmonica your son's just discovered and is trying to play very badly. The drill your daughter has decided to use to hang up picture hooks in every bit of space on her bedroom wall. The guitar your partner decides to start learning to play.

Dug holes are useful

Dig a big hole in the garden whilst nobody's looking and toss the unwanted items in the hole and bury.

3. Step away from the board games - In fact, you may consider tossing them in that hole.
This is for several reasons -
*Board games cause arguments and recriminations in households.
*Someone always cheats.
*Someone always gets upset when they lose.
*Someone always crows about winning. 
*Somebody always takes their frustrations out on the board and throws it up on the air with the game pieces all going everywhere.
*Somebody always ends up in tears.

Board games only cause arguments

Don't be swayed by nostalgic remembrances of happy days spent playing board games with your family. If those times were happy you're not remembering them right. Ads that show happy Brady Bunch type families playing board games all smiling and laughing are a trap set up by the toy industry to rake in the cash.

These happy ads hide the truth - during the lockdown if you play board games as a family you will regret it.

4. Buy a pair of noise cancelling headphones - even better, buy a dozen so everyone can have them including your dog. You're going to need them because you'll start to get tired of hearing everybody's voice.

5. Read loads of books.
There's some great deals at the moment - and here comes the shameless plug - my publisher is offering the first book in my Detective in a Coma series, Vile City for just £5 via PayPal. The book usually retails at £8.99 

Click here to see the deal. 

There are lots of other great books on the Caffeine NIghts online store. 

How to kill your neighbour - My WIP

She thought she'd something in her eye.

Yes, that title got your attention, but I'm not really advocating killing your neighbour although I am currently writing a crime novel with the working title How to kill your neighbour.

For one thing, it's hard to get away with it because you will be considered a prime suspect due to your proximity to the victim. And that goes double if you've had a yell off with them in front of your other neighbours.
For another, to kill some neighbours would take a stake through the heart or a silver bullet. 

You know the kind of neighbour I mean? The kind that would rather launch a foul-mouthed tirade at you for some imagined slight rather than a 'Good morning.'

Again, I'm only kidding about killing your neighbour. Honest. Where would it get you? Prison for life. 

One person who did get away with killing their neighbour - at least in a short story I read - did it in the most novel of ways. 

The method used was contaminating the solution their contact lenses were in so their eyes started to sting and smart as they drove to work and guess what, they crashed their car and died in the wreck.

I haven't decided how my killer will murder their neighbour but I'll keep you updated on how I'm getting on with Killing my Neighbour.

Yes, there really are ghost brides

In this week's version of who knew? are ghost brides.

So, what exactly is a ghost bride as featured in the Netflix tv show?

It sounds like brides who've died before they've made it to the altar or just after, who are left to wander around for eternity in their wedding dresses.

The truth, my friends is far stranger.

Ghost brides are a real thing and the ghost part doesn't usually refer to the brides. No, it usually refers to their husbands.

It's a Chinese tradition, but a similar thing happens in other countries such as France and even Sudan. Its a marriage in which one or both of the people involved are deceased.

Apparently in China it's usually set up by the family of the deceased for certain reasons. The main one is to marry an engaged couple usually after the prospective groom has passed on so that the unmarried daughter can join the family and keep its lineage going. This would tend to happen if the deceased groom-to-be was the eldest son.

If a "bride" agreed to be a ghost bride she would go to live with her "husband's" family, have to participate in mourning rituals and take a vow of celibacy.

Note - The Ghost Bride Netflix show is based on the novel The Ghost Bride written by Malaysian writer Yangsze Choo.

The Boy in the box mystery - buried without a name

Few unsolved cases can be as sad, as tragic as the case of the boy in the box.

The little boy was discovered completely unclothed in a box in Pennsylvania in the USA on February 25, 1957. Judging from his injuries, the poor little mite had been battered to death.

Despite numerous police appeals, nobody came forward to identify him never mind claim the child.

His murder was a double tragedy. Buried without even a name, somewhere someone should have been mourning the little boy who was just 4 or 5-years-old.

How the little boy mighy have looked

So, who was the Boy in the Box, also known as America's Unknown Child?

Why did nobody claim him as their own?

The police inquiries focused on why his hair had been cut so severely short very closely to his scalp, probably shortly before his death. They believe it was cut to hide the lush big curls he would have had in life so identification would be easier.

Someone must have cared about him. He'd been wrapped in a blanket, but there were signs he'd been starved.

The police printed thousands of leaflets with a photograph of the little boy who'd been posed to look as closely as he would to in life. They hoped someone would recognise him.

Their hopes were dashed.

There were plenty of theories, but none that could be proven -

He was the child of an unwed mother who's father ran a nearby foster home and he wanted rid of the child.

He was a child who'd been raised as a girl and that was the reason his hair had been hacked off.

Whoever the child was, he was never identified and was finally laid to rest for a second time (after he was moved from a potter's field). His funeral was attended by members of the public and paid for by the son of the man who'd first buried the unknown child. The headstone bearing the words 'America's Unknown Child.'

~~~Updates~~~
In 2016, a forensic facial reconstruction was done of his face and he was entered in the the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children database.

In 2018, a top genetic genealogist who helped identify the Golden State killer, said she was trying to use a new DNA profiling to finally give a name to the little boy in the box for the first time.

Rip it up and start again - your novel might be better for it

There's nothing worse than working hard into the wee small hours, making yourself so tired you don't just have grey bags under your eyes you have saucers, only to get two thirds of the way through writing your novel and finding yourself shaking your head. 

You know something is wrong with your novel. Thankfully you realise what it is.

You might have taken the wrong turn in the plot or given a character way too much of the story that they haven't earned (if you've watched the 3rd season of 13 Reasons Why and met the new narrator Ani you'll know what I mean).

Of course you could ignore this feeling in your gut that your book isn't quite right. Then you could end up sending it to a critique agency when publishers and agents turn it down, which is very expensive, only to be probably told what you already knew - that a part of your book wasn't working. 

Something you knew already but couldn't face acknowledging. 

Getting over the finishing line isn't what it's all about

Instead of spending money you probably haven't got ask yourself this (I look like I'm shouting but I  need to be reminded of this too) ask yourself this   -

IS IT BETTER TO GET THAT BOOK WRITTEN THAN IT IS TO GET IT WRITTEN TO THE VERY BEST IT CAN BE?

Sure, getting that novel finished is your goal, but you want it to be as good as it can possibly be so it gets a publisher or you get an agent, or you self-publish a good novel. 

That may mean either cutting swathes of text or even ripping it up and starting again. 

Be brave. Good writing is fearless. It often comes from knowing when to reach for that delete key or recycle bin.

Why I watch #truecrime

I don't watch #truecrime out of some macabre fascination. To hear gruseome details of how people were hurt.

No, I watch because whilst I do the people who were murdered who never got justice are alive and its like they're telling me "I matter, don't let people forget me."

I hope someone is watching who can get them justice so they can rest in peace.  

The Demoralised writer - Sometimes being a writer is like a punch in the face

Sometimes being a writer is like a punch in the face

You've done everything right. You've read the publisher's guidelines in so much depth you can recite them in your sleep. 

You've jumped through the hoops they've put in front of you - they want the first three chapters or first 10,000 words or first 3,000, they want a synopsis of 500/1000 words, they want ideas for the next two books in the series, they want a map of your DNA...You get the idea.

And you do all that. You tailor your manuscript submission to them. Your pitch letter. 

You might even have a personal connection to the publisher and you mention that in your pitch letter.

Now that you have a submission tailored to the publisher you send it off. You cross your fingers and toes and sit back and wait.

Book submissions are like obstacle courses

You expect a bit of a wait. Publishers are busy people. They get a lot of submissions. 

You know from reading their blogs and tweets that a lot of the submissions they get are unsuitable for very obvious reasons -
They don't follow their guidelines.
They're not the types or genres of books they publish.
They're rude, extolling the virtues of the author and saying how lucky the publisher would be to publish their work. 
They're riddled with errors, spelling mistakes.

But your submission should be okay because you've followed their guidelines to a tee. 

You've sent them the kind of book they do publish. 

You've been polite.

But then you get the dreaded email - Thanks for sending your submission in but it's not quite right for us.

No reason is given. You get the distinct feeling that they didn't even read it. 

You get the same generic response as a totally unprepared author, who sent them a submission written on the back of a cigarette packet. 

You know they're busy, but even a quick "we've published too many similar books like this" or "your writing needs some work" would be polite, at least acknowledging the work you've put into your book proposal.

Instead you're left demoralized wondering why did you bother? 

Why did you spend so much time tailoring your proposal, editing that book, doing everything (at least) as far as you know right just to get that dreaded standard letter?

Did they even read it? 

At times like this you have to remember -

*It's not personal. The person who responded is probably busy or overworked or going on holiday and clearing their desk. 

*They might just not be taking on any other books right now although they could just say that.

And here's the nuclear option- 
*Maybe your book isn't good enough. Get another opinion, a professional opinion if you can. A good option if you're well off and can afford it because its expensive. 

If like me you're not and you can't try a peer to peer critique forum where fellow authors read your work. Be warned it can be difficult to find a good one. 

If you think your work is good and publishable now ask yourself this -
Is it really such a bad thing you got a rejection? 

If they pay so little attention to your hard work, how much detail would they pay to editing, marketing and promotion if they had said they'd publish your book? 
Sometimes no publisher is better than a bad one. 

Tell me your stories 
I'd love to hear your stories of how you cope when you get that dreaded standard email. How do you pick yourself up again and does chocolate or wine work?