Publishing hits rock bottom

As writers we all struggle to get published. We toil all through the night when all sensible people are sleeping.

Our characters tug at our sleeves and lead us on a merry dance when we’re meant to be concentrating on something else: life stuff like paying the bills and taking the rubbish out.

We don’t have leisure time because we’re too busy scribbling away.

We end up with back problems (from sitting hunched over our laptops or notebooks), relationship problems (‘you care more about your writing than you do about me’), drink problems (there’s a reason I’m teetotal) and some of us even end up relying on heavy duty narcotics (I’m not there, yet, but give me time).

Maybe we writers should be sending pictures of our bums to publishers instead of head shots

So nothing sticks in the craw more than reading that the publishing industry, who hand out meagre advances to writers (if they hand out advances at all) can somehow come up with bucket loads of cash to hand to ‘celebrities’ to supposedly write books.

Pippa Middleton is the latest to be given a book deal. According to reports she’s been given a 400k book deal by Michael Joseph, an imprint of Penguin books to tell us how to be the perfect party hostess.  

According to these reports, Pippa who’s never so much as had an article published will write the book herself. It’s up to you whether you believe that or not as most celebs get ghostwriters.  

Ms Middleton is just the latest in a long line of ‘celebrities’ to get huge book deals and she won’t be the last.

Footnote - If you have no idea who Pippa Middleton is, lucky you. She’s the sister of Kate Middleton who married Prince William. She became famous because apparently she has a nice bottom.

The dreaded author photograph

The updated version of my bullying book is out and I hate the author picture. I wanted to look authorative, stylish, approachable.

Instead I look like none of those things. My head is so big I look like a Gonk* (a small, furry soft toy).

I read somewhere that readers like authors to look friendly, so you should smile in the picture. I tried that and ended up looking like a grinning buffoon.

I took the smile down a notch and realised I looked like the kind of woman who buried men under her patio. 

Not my author photo

Speaking to other writers I know I’m not alone in dreading that author picture.

The autors who actually seem to like theirs, or, at least feel okay about theirs, have:

1. Gotten their photo done professionally.
2. Or been born looking like a model.

How did my photo turn out? Guess you’ll have to buy the book.

But, I will tell you one thing – the picture was taken on a bad day and from my bad side not my good side. And, oh, since it was taken I have morphed into Jennifer Aniston.

To read more about Gonks, visit the Gonk Appreciation Socity on Facebook.